Thursday, April 23, 2015

It's Just a #TeamBottom Thing [NSFW]

This post has gratuitous ass pics, just because. So NSFW.

Here I go again. Rambling, maybe ranting some, but trying to answer a question I've gotten a few times in the last several days and this was the best way I could think to do it. I always did prefer just being on record... "I blogged about it...go look it up" is the most succinct answer ever haha.

I posted a video about the inappropriate questions straight people tend to ask gay people. After that, an interesting convo happened... Let me ramble and make my way there.

Whether you're at a friend's hen night or chilling at a new gay club in Hell's Kitchen, you more often than not find yourself answering the inevitable question: so, are you a top or a bottom? Uh.... And if you're with your boyfriend, they'll drop the "so if you're the bottom, you're like...the woman right?" (and I think MAYBE they ask the former question, thinking it's more polite than the latter. It isn't.) I've actually typically dated guys who are good at stopping them and calling them out on that last question.

So before I answer those—because they fit into the context of the conversation I originally mentioned—I'll tell you how the whole conversation started. A friend text messaged me:

You were on FB blasting people for it not being their business, 
but on your twitter your bio says #TeamBottom. Is that not

Since she wasn't the first or last to ask me a variation of that, especially after my rant on it not being people's fucking business, I thought I'd answer. Long and short? No.

And I'll explain.

I stand by the fact, it really is NOT your business. Now, another gay man can ask me all day, because he has a vested interest in whether I'm top/bottom/vers, because he would obviously have a chance at hooking up with me. You with your vagina, have not a chance; straight boy with your gawking are just making things awkward. Stop.

But then why be so open? Why #TeamBottom?

Because of the second question, the one in the second paragraph—the inevitable followup regarding my (or any other bottom) being the "woman" or "bitch" in the relationship. THAT's why I #TeamBottom. It's also why I'm pretty cavalier in bringing it up as a preference, usually making it a bit of a joke. A) It makes me less uncomfortable to just answer you like it's so funny when really I'm cringing inside from you having asked what I like sexually, in the first place; and B) I'm trying to take away a little of the stigma.

No matter how far we advance in our understanding of human anatomy, erogenous zones, and  human sexuality there's still such a negative connotation that comes with being a bottom. Bottoms are always thought of as The Woman. Bottoms are less than, willing to play catamite to the fierce and proud top.

I find this true across society, the sexually receptive partner being considered the weaker or fairer. So I'm utterly shocked to find such a large faction of women, even ones who read M/M or have many gay friends, have the same mindset. But then again, gay culture is as Top Centric as society is Patriarchal so why wouldn't they?

I don't know about you... But I discovered 'pussy power' long ago (no gold star jokes here... and dear heavens don't ever call it a 'boy pussy', please). Surely, you can agree that plenty of people know they are the purveyors of pleasure and know that that comes with a certain amount of 'power'. I don't mean it in a negative, I lead my man around by his dick way, but in a way I guess it is that a little. If you have a good man, his respecting your right to say no is not only a good sign of your mutual respect, but shows how he treasures what you may or may not do for him in bed. So, there's nothing weak about being receptive, whether you're male or female. In fact, I tend to know more couples in which the women are the
more dominant in their every day life. I've never been one for dating guys with a major "alpha" complex. My personality is pretty loud, so I usually lead outside the bedroom.

But... ask anyone and they think we all want the Alpha Male. And what's sexier in a book than two Alpha Men who never bottom, but after a battle of wills, one bottoms... Because he's been shamed into bottoming by losing. SMH. If you don't get the latent homophobia in that, you're pretty dense. There's also the books I'll read reviews for and I'll see things like "I wish this character hadn't been so femme." That statement alone astounds me, but then I read the book and realize the character was never so much "effeminate" as he was a shamelessly wanton bottom-boy, otherwise he was no more so or less butch/whatever than the Toppy McTopperson top-man. And there you have it. Bottom boy, top man. So a bottom will grow up to be a top? Twink to bear? PUH-leeze. I've seen some big, bad, biker looking mother fuckers whose flame registers on the Kelvin scale, while seeing small, twinky pocket gays whose dick has been in more boys than ... well... You get the point.

Hell, even if you look to the BDSM community.. You think there aren't "Sirs" who are just power bottoms, but they still are the dominant in the relationship? I get that, thanks to Western Judeo-Christian society, with it's Puritanical and Victorian hang ups, still think a woman is subserviant to her man, should stay home and raise the cildren, etc... But you can not prescribe that to a gay relationship. It just... isn't possible. Yes, there may be a more dominant personality, or I've seen couples who were totally equal. But I'll digress.

And finally, one that chafes so much, in gay culture, the Tops are treated like all other insertive partners, like the prize bull. He's the Prince Charming to my Cinderfella. And he's SO popular cuz he knows how to sling his dick, meanwhile I'm thought to probably be a disease ridden trollop because I've had sex with more than two of the men in the room—my two to his eight. Because being a top is "virile". He's spreading that seed, even if it's fruitless. Boys will be boys and bottoms will be sissies.

Hell, you'd think we'd get a little more respect with all the shit (no pun intended) we go through to make sure it's a ... welcoming experience for our toply suitors. Just sayin'. 

So yeah, I #TeamBottom because I'm not a slut, even when it's one of those things some people like to spread at a convention like it's 9th grade. (Though if I were to talk about a woman's expression of her sexuality, I'd be called a slut shamer........ Bottom shaming is A-Okay, though? Cool. Noted.) I'm not weak or less of man, nor am I waiting for my big, strapping, manly man to come save me and protect me. It's cute in fairy tales, but honey, if you know me you know I'm not exactly one to sit down and take some asshole's controlling BS.

I #TeamBottom because, even if it's uncomfortable to talk about my sex life, I want you to think twice when you think less of me for admitting it; think about your own prejudices and where you picked that up. Because reading gay fiction, being an ally, being the best "straight-dude friend" ever, does not magically make you immune to latent homophobia.

I #TeamBottom because I am NOT less.


PS: Oh, and a final note, because she ended her convo with this statement as well... "For someone so team bottom, you sure are all about asses." My response? "For someone whose vagina literally can't fuck one, you sure are all about asses."

***I do not claim to be the authority, here. Some gay men may be shaking their heads right now, so if they want to post otherwise, go ahead.***


  1. Hi Kade! I will never ask someone that and I'll tell you why: I was raised with manners! My momma would slap me into next week if she found out I had! I wouldn't ask a straight person about their sex life. I have a friend who's gay and I can honestly say that it has never even crossed my mind whether he tops or bottoms. Or about the lesbian mom of another friend. Or any other people who walk past me daily. What you do is what you do. So, wanna be my friend...

  2. Good post, Kade! I wonder what that woman would think if someone just straight out asked her something personal about her sex life. It was just plain rude. And you're right - positioning has nothing to do with the relationship dominance wise - that's something sorted out between the couple in question.

  3. Hi Kade :) I would like to add that any bottom (in the BDSM sense) has a hell of a lot of power in the relationship, there is also such things as power top or power bottom. I am all about being a top, but that does not mean my bottom AKA Stuby is any less of a he-man than I am. It's about individual choice. But, and it's a big but (pardon the pun) he was my bf first and my best friend before we chose the paths we wanted.

  4. The balls on some people (no pun intended) But seriously, I don't understand people a lot of the time. I'm truly shocked people come out and ask these types of questions and for what? Personal gain? I'm dumbfounded. honestly!

  5. When we were at RainbowCon and you called out #TeamBottom in a panel I fell in love. I totally agree with everything you said. You and I have been friends for a while now and I can honestly say I don't care if you top or bottom. I don't wanna know, you are like my brother. Ew! As long as you and whoever you are with are happy what the fuck does it matter? Love you! <3

  6. You're awesome.

    If I accidentally commented and a friend/acquaintance/author I admire a whole lot had to defend themselves/set me straight/educate me on why I'm an ass IRL, I'd immediately run the risk of spontaneous human combustion from sheer embarrassment.

    Thankfully, I can read this on your blog, get an education about avoiding accidentally hurting people I talk to (beyond simply not being rude enough to ask in the first place), and neither of us has to deal with the awkwardness of IRL. :D Instead, I can gain understanding and sensitivity painlessly. Oh hey that's one of the reasons why I read in the first place! Education without experience.

    I don't understand how people can ask! On purpose! As if they have a right to know about something so deeply personal as how you physically and mentally do sexing.

    You are awesome.